I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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