i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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