Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The best revenge is premature balding
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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