well I can't set my house on fire every night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
