apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
