Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
