thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
