shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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