i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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