i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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