somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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