yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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