I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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