yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
