I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
