I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My penis needs a shock collar
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
