my mouth tastes like poor choices
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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