You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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