We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
