he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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