she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
