I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
