I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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