she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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