life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
