Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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