you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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