Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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