Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
