I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
