Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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