You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
