Your face is a jimmy john
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
