What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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