hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
