As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
