The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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