He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
