I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
