This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
