the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Redeem this text for a blowjob
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
