Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
