Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
