Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
