woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
