So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
