i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You took a bar mat shot.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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