I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
