hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Randomize
