Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
