I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
